Last Thursday July 2010

Recap from this month:

I am 20 years old, I have a crush on a 17 year old girl. What do I do?

Date her older sister until she turns 18. Then go to the younger sister with photos of the older sister making out with another guy. Tell her you're distraught over the fact that the older sister is cheating on you, breaking your heart, etc. This way the now-legal sister will think her older sister is horrible for cheating on you, and will be drawn to your vulnerability.

I am dating two men. Both make money and both are very nice.

Tell both of them that your mother is very sick and needs surgery but you don't have the money to pay. Get the money from them both then move to Fiji. There are plenty of other fish in the sea.

I don't have any money. How can I get some?

Wait for your parents to go on vacation, then sell all of their possessions, their house, and their car(s) on Craigslist. By the time they get home you'll be in Fiji.

Should I try to make a living playing music, or should I go to college?

Go to college but major in Music. That way you'll finish college four years later deep in debt and in a profession where you can't possibly make any decent money.

My housemate is passive aggressive and annoying. How can I get rid of her?

Buy pink duct-tape and cover her entire room in it.

My mom found a bag of pot in my room. What do I do?

Get her stoned. Then she'll start to chip in.

I just turned sixteen and I'm really excited to get my driver's permit.

Driving's for schmucks. What you should really do is just steal the keys to your parents' car during the night and go for a joy ride right into a police car. That way you'll never get your license and always be dependent on friends and family to drive you around. It will be a great way to take advantage of the people who love you.

I have a crush on this guy who already has three kids with two separate women. And maybe a fourth with a third woman. Should I date him?

He obviously doesn't know how to use a condom, so yes.

I have an interview with Nike tomorrow. What should I wear and what questions should I ask them in the interview?

Wear an Adidas track suit with Adidas shoes, and ask them how many children they employ in their overseas factories.